It's different this time. At first I was unsure why, but I finally figured it out.
I only have 2.5 weeks left in Paris.
Filled with 2 papers, one presentation, and 4 finals. Disneyland. BNP Tennis Tournament. And I guess whatever else my heart desires for the last little while.
How did this happen? It's like I came back for my last little vacation in Paris. It's time to make sure I do everything I have wanted to do. To repeat my favorite things. To take it all in.
A month from today, I will be back in Utah.
5 weeks from today, I will be called Sister Frampton.
How am I supposed to feel? What is the right answer? What is the right response?
These questions have always been going through my head. I am always worried about saying the right thing and doing the right thing. So, I am always trying to figure out what that right way is. I didn't think it was a problem until I went to Art History today. We were learning about Abstract Art and the motivations of the artist behind the painting. And because Abstract Art is so hard to figure out, I kept asking myself, "What am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to be getting from this?"
I expressed this to my teacher, and we had also been talking about how the education system is structured to teach students to pass a test. The goal is to get them to think in a certain way, so that they can pass a certain set of questions.
And it hit me. Why do I care about what I am supposed to feel? Or what I think other people think the right way to be is? Or what I should say to appease those around me?
I can't live my life constantly worrying about what I am supposed to be thinking.
I just want to look at a painting and feel what I feel. Be what I am. Completely experience it for myself.
And that is how I want to live my life from now on. I need to let go of what everybody else thinks, and just be myself. Seriously, how can I add to the world if I am so busy trying to be like everybody else?
And for my last 2.5 weeks in Paris, I am going to live my life in this way. Or maybe, for my last month in Europe, I am going to live my life in this way. Heck, what am I saying? For the rest of my life I am going to live my life in this way.
It's time to look at a painting and let it just be. To just enjoy. To just take it all in.
It's time to look at life, and be happy. No matter what it is. Good or Bad. It doesn't matter, because I don't need to worry about what the right answer for the rest of the world is. I just need to decide what the right answer is for me.
With that said...Fish and Chips anyone?